i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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