i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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