I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
