Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
