where am i from again
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
