Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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