i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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