I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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