Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
