id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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