She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
