Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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