I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
