So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
