The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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