I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
