I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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