So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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