I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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