found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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