Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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