Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
