dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
