Christians are straight up FREAKS
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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