Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
