I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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