this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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