so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
