"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
