Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
