Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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