What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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