I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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