My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
