my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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