I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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