I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My dick has a subreddit
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
