i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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