he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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