Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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