I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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