When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
