i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
