There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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