mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
