she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
