It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
