if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
