he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
