So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
