I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
